My sick love affair with food is strong. The bond between me and unhealthy food is unbreakable and unequivocal. Don’t get me wrong, I have actually been seen around town hanging out with healthy food before, but make no mistake about it; unhealthy food is bae and we have been and probably always will be in each other’s lives. It’s just that now, we’ve grown a part a little bit. No, I am not ready to leave the relationship yet, but I can’t help but notice all of the sexy organic, gluten free foods as they pass by my table at restaurants. The nice, roundness of apples and pears taunt me as I pass the produce section headed to the snack isle in the grocery store. My frappuccinos aren’t going anywhere and will always hold a place in my heart, but I can’t help but sneak a peak at the fruit smoothies in the window as I head to my favorite coffee spot. So what am I feeling these days? What do I really want? Well, it’s simple, I want some sort of twisted polyamory situation with healthy food and unhealthy food simultaneously. The problem is, healthy food is too pure for that kinda thing and unhealthy food ain’t willing to share.
It probably wouldn’t work anyway because, trust me, I have tried to split my love between swiss cheese and swiss chard; between fried chicken and chia seeds; and between pepperoni pizza and purple potatoes. It just doesn’t work. When I am with healthy food, I feel so good about myself and our future together. Then, in a moment of weakness, unhealthy food calls me and asks me out for a coffee to “discuss things” and when I get there, a cheese danish conveniently shows up. Foiled again!!! I end up giving healthy food this long speech about how it’s not them, it’s me and how any girl would be lucky to have such delicious baked salmon packed with all those omega-3 fatty acids. If I’m being honest here, unhealthy food may not be my best option, but he’s the best lover I’ve ever had. I mean, we can argue, fuss and fight on a Saturday after a visit to Cheesecake Factory, break up on a Sunday, I start seeing healthy food on a Monday and I swear by Friday night, unhealthy food is calling me up asking if we can Netflix and chill.
I’ve seen women have this awesome, open relationship with healthy food and gym and jealously never rears its ugly head, but does that work with unhealthy food? No! I have seen friends be committed to healthy food and gym simultaneously and there is never a problem, but unhealthy food is such a jealous beast. The problem is that pizza, lasagna and burgers are extremely possessive and once I am theirs, they don’t like to share. They prefer me sitting on the couch, watching television and not working out. As long as we are together, they are happy.